Does anyone think I look like Diane Keaton in this photo???? Doooh! Does that mean I'll have to start wearing turtle necks and scarves like she does in all her movies? What is it about getting older that makes you look in the mirror one day and REALLY see the "crepey skin" that you used to read about in magazines! (I said crepey skin, not creepy!!!!)Though it wont be much longer till either will suffice! 

And what's with the square jaw line?? A dead give away of your age is the onset of ""Jowls"". Its not that I mind getting older, really!! But every now and then you see an ad for "facial rejuvenation" and it crosses your mind (just for one minute) that "it's your money, you've earned it and you can spend it on yourself if you like!" Trouble is, I don't think I'd have enough money once I started. I mean, a little tuck here, a little shot there... where would it stop. That's like painting your living room and ignoring the fact that the sofas have holes in and the carpet sticks to your feet! Obviously the secret is to love who you are (and get rid of all the mirrors in the house!) Most days I can do that, just once in while I "wonder" how easy it would be to get this jelly belly sucked out. I'd lay on the table, while the machines did all the work , eating Maltesers and leafing through an Oprah mag. Honestly, think of reality. If someone with all of Oprah's money and staff can't keep up her image, what's the point of someone like me thinking it's worth trying Ha Ha ?. Actually, I might give it one last shot. I'm going to join a new gym I've seen where the owner is my age and FIT. She competes in bodybuilding competitions and I reckon if anyone can bully me into shape, she can. Watch this space ( but not yet, I've got to fix my wobbly hips, my sore wrist, finish off a family size bag of Maltesers, pay for new brakes on the car ........) but I'm serious ( I AM!! ). I don't want to look like Diane Keaton (although she did have a snogging session with Keanu) I HATE turtle necks, they push on my jowls and make me gag!!!! 

HoHoHo! It's that time of the year again. Christmas. I don't care what anyone says about all the commercialism and the extra stress, there is something in the air this time of the year that feels different, a sort of anticipation that something special is gonna happen. (maybe this will be the year that I get that pony I've always wanted ha ha) PLUS !!!! Its back! The Christmas log.... Yeah! On the TV (channel 122 on my TV)the Xmas log is back!! 

I was at a neighbours house last week and her son came running down the stairs yelling that the TV had gone "stupid". "It's all mixed up" he complained. "There's a stupid fire on instead of my program..." STUPID FIRE???? Is he freakin' kidding me? It's only the best thing on TV at Xmas! Not only can you watch it all day if you want, but it is also addictive. If you've never seen it, there's this beautiful fireplace (the kind they put on the front of Xmas cards) which crackles away merrily. And if you watch it long enough, this hand comes on the screen and adds another log when the fire looks like it's burning down.!!! The guy who thought this one up must have faced some stick.. " OK,  Smith, pitch us your Xmas idea and make it good!"  "Well Sir, I was thinking -fireplace, logs, crackling..." "And???? But it works. Everyone I know talks about the Xmas log (not to be confused with Hanky the Xmas poo from Southpark!) 

Honestly, you are on the edge of your seat. Once you've seen the hand it's impossible to move. You might as well wear a diaper 'cos, believe me, it's hard to drag yourself away. You finally pluck up the nerve to make a dash for it and when you come back, with your pants all undone, there's a NEW LOG on the fire. Noooooo! You think I'm joking. Go on, try it,  and if you want to, you can do what I do and have both your fires on at the same time (our TV is above our fireplace) and feel really festive. (Although my husband tried to persuade me to ONLY put the Xmas fire on and save money on heating   Bah Humbug!) And if two fires doesn't warm the cockles of your scrooge like heart, you can find the twinkly Xmas tree and 24 hour Xmas carols on the next channel. Brilliant!.Dont ya  just love Xmas???

Long time no blog! Funny how "urges" come in waves, eh? You know how it is..."think I'll take up knitting" Two and a half sweaters later the "urge" goes away and you are left with two sleeves and half a front that will never get finished, or an exercise bike you use as a glorified clothes hanger, or a a night school class you come to dread as soon as it gets dark.. you get the picture. Well, same with blogging. Its all "ooh, I must get home to blog that, cant wait to blog about this..." at first, then "Oh, I don't have time today... Nothing interesting happened today.." and you are back to feeling guilty 'cos your not blogging daily.  Guilt, now there's something I could write a book about, never mind a blog (but that will have to wait for the "urge" to hit me!!) Anyway, thank god something interesting DID happen this weekend, and I can break my bloggers block.

 It all happened like this.... Remember I was blogging about getting free stuff via the efforts of your kids. Well, the two oldest came up trumps on many fronts but junior had yet to prove his worth as "son of the Queen of Free Stuff". This past weekend he stepped up to the plate and batted his sisters out of the ball park!!!  You see, via our second born we scored the deal of the century at the Marriott Waterfront in Seattle, two blocks from Pike Place Market, Luxury hotel, 54" flat screen in the room, pool, hot tub. Two nights for $58.00!!! So good, we had to invite the neighbours and their 2 boys. How can junior beat that???  WELL.... When the neighbours kids arrived, all the kids scampered off to explore the hotel, with strict instructions to be back in 15 minutes (and NO knocking on doors and running away, with the exception of the Presidential suite - even I wanted to knock on that door!) Anyway, a bottle of wine was opened, conversation ensued and, before we knew it, an hour had passed. Hey, lets go down to the bar and continue the evening without the kids I said.We can get them an in room movie and some snacks..... Hold on!..Where ARE the kids??? Curious, they should have been back ages ago. No panic, they are with a 14 year old. We'll spot them on the way down and send them to the room with their sitter. Good plan, if only we could find them!! They weren't anywhere. We decided to ask the official looking "Men in Black" guy who had been hovering over by the elevator, speaking into his walkie talkie and looking harrassed. "Have you seen 3 young boys lately" we enquired nonchalantly? "How old?" he asked. We told him. He looked as if the penny had just dropped. He headed over to the elevator and pressed a button on the intercom. "how old are you guys in there?" he asked and looked shocked when Maxim answered in his pre-pubescent little boy voice.!!!  Seems the boys had been stuck in the elevator for one hour and were likely to be there for another while the elevator guy made his way through rush hour traffic!! Between laughing, reassuring them and teasing them that the air was about to run out, ( dont say you wouldn't have taken that opportunity yourself!) we all feigned great concern and were ushered to the bar to wait for their release. I did pop out once or twice, just to be a good mum, but, what with the free babysitter on guard outside the elevator and the free bar tab in the restaurant (they gave us $150.00 credit, as an apology for our distress) we decided to milk the situation. Well, one of the kids did need to go to the washroom - that was stressful to think of! Eventually the kids were released by a guy with a crowbar. And treated to mocktails as their part of the spoils. Plus we all received free breakfast in the restaurant next morning! YEAH!!! I think we've just hit upon a new money making scheme. Shame I couldn't persuade the kids to jump up and down in the elevator at the Music Project. Well, it worked beautifully at the Marriott! Just don't tell the Hotel Manager!

Wooooooooh!!!!! Yeah! I LOVE Halloween. I know it's silly, but there is something about the way the air smells and the way the trees look that takes me right back to my childhood. Granted, Halloween in England didn't really catch on as we know it in Canada until recently. Trick or Treat was something that belonged to movies like E.T and the Adams Family. As kids, we usually ducked our heads into a bucket of cold water for a scabby apple (duck apple night) or put on a blindfold and got lockjaw trying to catch one as it dangled from string (while our parents peed themselves laughing at our expense) Honestly, there was always someone at school the next day with a cricked neck! We didn't dress up and go house to house like the kids over here. In fact, I don't think this was a concept we ever really grasped then - a point proven by the kid who knocked on my door one Oct 31st. " Trick or Treat!!" he shouted. "What does that mean?" I asked. "Well", said the kid, looking perplexed, "you have to give us a treat or else you play a trick on us!!!" I don't think he was too impressed with the bucket of water I hurled over him, complete with half eaten apples! (O.K, only joking about that bit, but honestly, .....) I did put on some pretty impressive Halloween parties at my house though when I was a "gay divorcee"  complete with black bin bags as curtains and lots of goodies involving green jelly and gummy worms (and blood --red wine-- for the adults to drink). I remember one hysterically funny Halloween in particular where we had eight kids all crying by 9.o'clock because I turned out the lights and read them Grimms Fairy Tales in the dark - have you ever read those things? They're evil!! These guys were obviously the ancestors of Steven King!! Seriously, they make Itchy and Scratchy look like your typical household pets! And talking of evil, we put up our "Outside Halloween Display" this weekend. You know the deal... gravestones, hanging bats, cut off hand on the barbeque.... I made a cool scary monster and sat it in a chair. We now have a cute little cat which has taken up  residence on it's lap!  The cat is there every time I come home and looks totally content! Just goes to show how selfish cats are... They don't care if you look like Frankenstein's monster, as long as you can keep them warm, they use you and abuse you!! (must remember to re-stuff the monsters flattened crotch before Friday!)  Know what else I love about this season??? Crumpets are back! (Yeah, I know you can find them most days of the year if you look) But... I'm the kinda girl who likes to keep my seasons and celebrations seperate! More special, if you like, to have "permission" to eat things. Crumpets and pumpkin pies star in October and finish in November, Tangerines and candy canes are allowed from November to end of January, Cadbury's cream eggs are March and April and ice cold beer is acceptable from April to April. You get the gist! And my VERY FAVOURITE thing about this time of year is the fact that, starting Saturday morning, ALL the Halloween candy goes on sale (half price or less).YEAH !!!!

Its begging to be eaten, and I know just the person to do the job.(scabby apples my eye!!)

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I'm writing this blog so early ! Honestly, I was awake at 5.15a.m!!! No, I'm not up early to catch a plane or go out running before I go to work! Nothing so adventurous! I just had a good nights sleep and woke up early. Think I must be turning into one of those little old ladies who rises at dawn to feed the cat ( you know the kind - "here's your dinner Timmy, half for you, half for mummy...") Actually, judging by some of the things I've been doing lately, I may have already 'tuned'! Yesterday I went to make a phone call at work and I picked up the calculator and began 'dialing' the number! Then, last night, I turned on the upstairs light (from downstairs) ran upstairs, thought "Doh! someone's left the light on!" and turned it off!!!! Help! Talking of 'little old ladies', I went to the new library last night (where's the link ? you say... well, isn't the library full of little old ladies, shuffling round on their zimmers, trying to burn off the last of the cat food so they will have room for their Meals on Wheels dinner..) Anyway, as usual, I digress. The thing I wanted to say was WOW!! have you seen the new technology down at the library. They have this "self check out' set up. I was trying to figure it out. I had a stack of books ( no, I'm not hinting at my literary expertise - they were mostly French kids books for 'sonny boy' ). I put these books down on this large flat area next to the monitor while I read the instructions. Well, next thing is, the titles from the ten books appeared on the screen as 'checked out' ready for taking !! What the.. How did it DO that ?? the books were stacked on on top of each other!!! How did the machine read the barcodes vertically ??? I was flabbergasted ... seriously, my gast has never been so flabbered! It was magic -like a scene from Harry Potter and the Library of Secrets!   If you look at the security footage from the library, you will see me looking at the books, then back at the screen, then scratching my head with my jaw hanging open. I sort of felt like I was on candid camera! It was so cool. I mean, I can still remember doing all my homework at the library using Micro fiche and the drawers with all the Dewey index cards in! Now I do sound old! Isn't technology AWESOME? Maybe the day when you can press a book to you forehead and absorb it instantaneously isn't too far way ( come on, admit it, you've thought of this too when you've been cramming for a an exam at the last minute haven't you !?I'm not crazy!) And talking of crazy, really, do I look crazy? I'll tell you why I'm asking. The other day there was a knock on my door. It was one of the neighbours kids. He had his friend with him. He'd come to ask if I would let his friend borrow a PENKNIFE so they could play "whittling" in the forest. Apparently, he had one but his friend didn't!!! Oh, that's O.K then, of course he could use ....NO!!!  "Oh sure, little boy I've never met before, here's my knife. Feel free to go off into the forest and chop off your extremities with MY KNIFE! Oh. and when your mum asks where you got the knife, don't forget to tell her it was the CRAZY woman up the street who lent it to you!" Jeez! Kids today! What's the world coming to?? Wait a minute, isn't that something an old person would say???

Aaaaah!...Back from another relaxing weekend at our "cottage" up in Whistler. Nothing to do but walk, eat, drink and soak in the hot tub.  I know, I know, it's not really our "cottage", it's the Marriott Residences, but we go there so often and it's so cheap that it's actually better than a cottage! No leaks to fix, wood to chop, rats to kill or sheets to change. And we get an all you can eat breakfast buffet thrown in (which, for cheapskates like us, translates into lunch as well!!) You might ask "How do they afford all this, it's not fair??" HA!  Well, if you all play your cards right, you can coast along on the fruits of your off-spring's labours just like us! You see, it's all to do with strategy. You have to get to them while they are young, really, really young! And you have to be prepared! From the first time they ask you ,"mummy, what shall I be when I grow up??", your job is to steer them towards careers that come with "perks". You know what that means:-  discounts, freebies, leftovers, day- olds  (don't be too proud to accept week- olds as well, they have their uses!)..... A typical conversation could go like this:-

CHILD :- "mummy, teacher says I have a unique talent for playing the flute. He called me a funny name, it sounded like "child prodigy"  ?? Maybe I could be a concert flautist when I grow up??? What do you think?

Now, unless you have a passion for dressing up in long frocks to attend world class gala events starring your first born, I suggest you waste no time using one of the following replies:-

REPLY #1.... "No, silly, prodigy means you aren't very good at the flute, teacher was too polite to tell you (followed by a rub of their head and a chuckle to lighten the moment)

REPLY # 2.... " Flautists are the lowest paid of all musicians, and the retirement age for flautists is twenty two, THEN what will you do,work at Subway?" (hey, free subs???...Naah)

if  answers like these fail to dissuade junior, don't be afraid to rub your stretch marks while reminding them that, after you suffered 6 hours of agonising labour just so they could be born, it is only fair that they consider you when they are choosing a profession.

In my own case, my  #1 "gifted" child was steered towards Starbucks as soon as her milk teeth fell out (free coffee for the duration!) and is now pursuing a career in Psychology. (must admit, not my first choice, which was exotic dancer on a cruise ship, Doh! no Carribeann cruise for us  ..Yet!)However, the way my memory is fading fast, I look forward to many happy (free) hours laying on a couch being listened to! 

Gifted child #2 was harder to break! She had her heart set on being a ranch hand out in Montana, but despite her amazing ability with a lassoo (where the Hell did she learn that??) I don't like horses. There teeth are too big and all those beans.... well, don't get me started on my dietary intolerances! Anyway, managed to get her on the cafeteria program at school and the rest is history! Granted, it does tug on my heart strings when she complains about having to work eleven hour shifts, nine days in a row and she hasn't been at a family dinner for six years but, Hey! , we all have our crosses to bear (only last week I had to work till 3.15pm because someone phoned just as I was going out of the door). And as I said to her today, just as she was leaving for work " don't worry sweetie, SOMEONE has to cook for the poor homesick hotel guests, yes, I'll keep you a plate of Thanksgiving dinner, Oh, and by the way, can you pick me up another "parents discount" form from work (for Seattle this time), there's a love!"  

Now, lets think about gifted child #3. He shows all the signs of being a fabulous policeman or a judge but what's in it for us?? A free night in the slammer, leniency when I'm caught shoplifting due to my failing memory??? I don't think so! No, he's going to be an architect. I've got my heart set on a REAL country cottage in Whistler, preferably with a lakeside location (and his birth was the most painful of all!!)