Monday, March 23, 2009

I'm "home alone" for the first time in 25 years!! How the hell did I let that happen ? Really, I can't remember the last time I had more than an evening to myself! The boys are in Cancun and I am not. I suppose I could have juggled things so that I could go, but I was morbidly curious about how it would feel to spend time in my own company??? Actually, it's not too bad, bit boring but has potential! I joined the gym and cleaned the car and did some yard work and cleaned the house from top to bottom and washed all the beds and ate a family size bag of liquorice allsorts and a bag of maltesers. I'm working my way through a large bottle of wine and tonight I'm watching the Dead Like Me movie. I might have a bath, I might not. (don't really want to make it dirty!) I made myself a healthy dinner and healthy lunch for tomorrow and wrote a story. So far, so good. Can't help feeling that I'm missing out though, specially since the boys wrote and said they are "having the best time ever in Paradise"!) Somehow folded corners on the toilet rolls and no floors to sweep don't seem so much fun :0(
It's not as scary as I thought it would be, though. As long as I don't allow myself to watch Ghost Hunters or Paranormal State I am doing OK. Just wish it was as relaxing as I imagined though!! I haven't been able to sleep well so far .  In between the hot flashes I realise I miss hubby's body heat. It's a case of bed socks on, bedsocks off blankies on blankies off... I wake up feeling like I've just gone to bed. Hopefully I'll figure this out just in time for the return of the "men"! The other thing I'm having a problem with is ME! I never realised how BORING I am!!! Honestly, I'd have a conversation with myself but I've got nothing to talk about! HuH, who knew! Thank God for TV! I did take out my meditation CD's, maybe I'll give them a whirl, or maybe I could eat something. Heck, maybe I could eat AS I meditate!? It's my vacation too!! 
 I'm sort of reluctant to admit it, but hubby was right when he said "you'll miss us as soon as we're gone!" Bugger!!! I hate it when he's sorta right! What's that song "you don't know what you've got till its gone..."? So true!!! Funny, when my other half is working overnight or for a full weekend, I can't say I REALLY miss him (don't tell him that!) but I'd only just returned from the airport, put on an Aaron Neville CD and started my bedmaking and all of a sudden I was filled with this nostalgic "urge" to see his dimply smile (not the hairy faced, grumpy visage I've taken for granted for the past 12 years,) but the "oh so cute, he's SO French grin that won me over the minute I opened the door on our first date and saw him leaning there in his fringed, Davy Crocket jacket " smile that everyday life seems to have pushed to the back closet of my memory. It's nice, that feeling, I'd sort of forgotten it and I'm looking forward to missing him some more this week because of it! Isn't life funny??? Oops! now I need to pee but I don't want to have to disturb the pointy edged toilet roll???? Aaaaagh, I wish they'd hurry home so I can get back to my slovenly ways!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


I was watching a little kid the other day. He had just come out of his music class and was choosing 2 stickers from the teacher because he had done "good work". He spent ages choosing the shiniest ones and I found myself slightly envious! I want stickers! I work hard and don't often have anyone saying "Well Done" or "You rock!..... How about "great job on the packed lunches today" or  "Squeegee Queen" when I scrape all the soap scum off the shower? Oh, I can think of a thousand....."2000 toilet rolls changed this year" or "10/10 for sock matching". And what about outside of the house?? What I wouldn't give to have a roll of stickers to hand out for all those times people annoy me such as  "Gross Pig"  -the guy who hocks a loogy -(spits a jelly one) - just as I'm passing by? or "Nose Picker of the Year!" shoved through the window of the car next to me at the traffic lights, with the driver who is so intent on digging for gold that he doesn't notice the lights have changed! Maybe "Ignorant B...ard!" for the guy who farts next to you in the line up at Save-on-Foods, or "Spoilt Little Rich" for the West van Tweenie with her own Starbucks card and I-Phone who pushes in front of you at the coffee shop, who thinks it's nothing to pay $5.49 for a large, extra foam, non-fat Mocha Latte which she will take one sip of and declare loudly to be "totally gross!" One sticker I just HAVE to have will say "I value my Universe as much as I value my Body" for the hundreds of slobs who think it is OK to dump their half eaten crap on the side walk after a grease binge!
On a brighter side, wouldn't it be fun to hand out "You've made my day" stickers to people who take the time to open doors for you or let you go ahead at the market because you only have one item. What about "I don't know you but you look like a nice person" to the lady or gent who smiles and says "good morning" as you pass. Maybe a "I'm a responsible dog owner"sticker to the people who pooper scoop at the doggy park or "Great Parenting Skills" to the lady in the movie cinema who makes her kids sit down and stop talking as soon as the movie starts. And talking of movies, I'd LOVE to have a roll of "I've got a Huge Melon" stickers to plaster on the cranially challenged individuals who seem to follow me from theatre to theatre and wait until I've found the perfect seat before plopping down in the seat right in front of me, causing me to spend the entire movie half lifted on my hands and bending to the left or right (depending which side they have their popcorn on) until my neck feels as though I've been on the roller coaster at Playland!
Anyway, I'm sure you could add your own to this list. It's actually fun and there are no rules. Finally, the one I've always wanted to have printed is actually a bumper sticker (aimed at the car drivers who insist on tailgating just because you refuse to travel more than 20 over the speed limit.) This sticker would read "YOU ARE SO FAR UP MY JACKSY I HOPE YOU ARE WEARING A CONDOM!!!!      Crude but effective I like to think!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

So, we had Saturday night all to ourselves! Junior had been invited to a sleepover and it seemed foolish not to take advantage of the free babysitter situation on offer.Tempting as it was to put on my p.j's and snuggle up for a movie, I had to remind myself that I'm not retired yet. So I made an effort, dragged my lazy butt off the sofa, pulled on a new sweater, squirted some perfume and off we trotted to the pub. It was D.J night at the Raven, and after half a jug of beer and a few slices of tiger prawn pizza the evening started to take on  quite a romantic slant. We held hands and talked about life, laughed and listened to the music. The evening ticked by and we got a little smoochy, a little like teenagers on a first date! Wow, why don't we do this more often?? we wondered. All too soon, it was late and we started thinking about heading home. Hubby paid the bill and I prepared to gather up my things (gloves, umbrella, scarf, bag, coat, glasses, pen.... jeez!!! what is WRONG with me??why can't I take a chance like a normal person?) I looked up, hubby WAS GONE! What The...! Now don't get me wrong, I'm a very independent person, I can wallpaper a ceiling for crying out loud! But being abandoned in a full public house after a (I thought) glowingly romantic evening didn't sit well with me. I was really put out! I found JP waiting outside in the car park. 'Where did you go??" I asked. "You just left me!" I whined "I just looked round and you where gone!!"
"what's the problem, you knew it was time to go" he explained. "Yes, but you didn't even help me with my coat, you left me standing there like an idiot..." He didn't get it, why was I upset? He doesn't usually put my coat on for me, I am quite capable of getting dressed by myself... But I was upset, maybe it was the beer messing with my hormones but I expected to be treated like a date, I felt like a date, I smelt like a date and I sure as hell didn't appreciate being left in a crowded pub as if I'd been dumped!! By now we were walking back towards home and JP tried to take my hand. I don't think so matey!! Not until you apologize and beg my forgiveness you blithering eejit. Boy was I mad. I'd bore him a child for cripes sake! The least he could do was treat me like a princess in full view of the other pub patrons. He got all huffy and we walked side by side instead of arm in arm. He was not worthy of holding my hand! I already had my ammo ready for the bedroom scene later. It included the use of phrases such as " You have to be kidding!!!' "you've got some nerve" "not tonite Josephine..." and " I might have said Yes if you'd helped me on with my coat!!". (ouch, that'd show him!!). 
" I don't know why you're mad" he huffed, " It's not a big deal". 
Not a big deal, not a big deal! " We're not students you know, we're not 12 years should know by now how to treat your woman, and that's the thing. I'm not one of the boys and I don't expect to be treated like one. I mean, did you forget that I'm a woman!!!?"
That's when he stopped and looked at me sheepishly with a stupid grin on his face. " No, Sue, to be totally honest, I am a bit drunk. I didn't forget that you were a woman at all. Actually, I forgot that you were there!!!" And that is when we both fell about laughing and laughed our way home. I was still chuckling when I got into bed. nite nite!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Does anyone think I look like Diane Keaton in this photo???? Doooh! Does that mean I'll have to start wearing turtle necks and scarves like she does in all her movies? What is it about getting older that makes you look in the mirror one day and REALLY see the "crepey skin" that you used to read about in magazines! (I said crepey skin, not creepy!!!!)Though it wont be much longer till either will suffice! 
And what's with the square jaw line?? A dead give away of your age is the onset of ""Jowls"". Its not that I mind getting older, really!! But every now and then you see an ad for "facial rejuvenation" and it crosses your mind (just for one minute) that "it's your money, you've earned it and you can spend it on yourself if you like!" Trouble is, I don't think I'd have enough money once I started. I mean, a little tuck here, a little shot there... where would it stop. That's like painting your living room and ignoring the fact that the sofas have holes in and the carpet sticks to your feet! Obviously the secret is to love who you are (and get rid of all the mirrors in the house!) Most days I can do that, just once in while I "wonder" how easy it would be to get this jelly belly sucked out. I'd lay on the table, while the machines did all the work , eating Maltesers and leafing through an Oprah mag. Honestly, think of reality. If someone with all of Oprah's money and staff can't keep up her image, what's the point of someone like me thinking it's worth trying Ha Ha ?. Actually, I might give it one last shot. I'm going to join a new gym I've seen where the owner is my age and FIT. She competes in bodybuilding competitions and I reckon if anyone can bully me into shape, she can. Watch this space ( but not yet, I've got to fix my wobbly hips, my sore wrist, finish off a family size bag of Maltesers, pay for new brakes on the car ........) but I'm serious ( I AM!! ). I don't want to look like Diane Keaton (although she did have a snogging session with Keanu) I HATE turtle necks, they push on my jowls and make me gag!!!! 

Sunday, December 7, 2008

HoHoHo! It's that time of the year again. Christmas. I don't care what anyone says about all the commercialism and the extra stress, there is something in the air this time of the year that feels different, a sort of anticipation that something special is gonna happen. (maybe this will be the year that I get that pony I've always wanted ha ha) PLUS !!!! Its back! The Christmas log.... Yeah! On the TV (channel 122 on my TV)the Xmas log is back!! 
I was at a neighbours house last week and her son came running down the stairs yelling that the TV had gone "stupid". "It's all mixed up" he complained. "There's a stupid fire on instead of my program..." STUPID FIRE???? Is he freakin' kidding me? It's only the best thing on TV at Xmas! Not only can you watch it all day if you want, but it is also addictive. If you've never seen it, there's this beautiful fireplace (the kind they put on the front of Xmas cards) which crackles away merrily. And if you watch it long enough, this hand comes on the screen and adds another log when the fire looks like it's burning down.!!! The guy who thought this one up must have faced some stick.. " OK,  Smith, pitch us your Xmas idea and make it good!"  "Well Sir, I was thinking -fireplace, logs, crackling..." "And???? But it works. Everyone I know talks about the Xmas log (not to be confused with Hanky the Xmas poo from Southpark!) 
Honestly, you are on the edge of your seat. Once you've seen the hand it's impossible to move. You might as well wear a diaper 'cos, believe me, it's hard to drag yourself away. You finally pluck up the nerve to make a dash for it and when you come back, with your pants all undone, there's a NEW LOG on the fire. Noooooo! You think I'm joking. Go on, try it,  and if you want to, you can do what I do and have both your fires on at the same time (our TV is above our fireplace) and feel really festive. (Although my husband tried to persuade me to ONLY put the Xmas fire on and save money on heating   Bah Humbug!) And if two fires doesn't warm the cockles of your scrooge like heart, you can find the twinkly Xmas tree and 24 hour Xmas carols on the next channel. Brilliant!.Dont ya  just love Xmas???

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Long time no blog! Funny how "urges" come in waves, eh? You know how it is..."think I'll take up knitting" Two and a half sweaters later the "urge" goes away and you are left with two sleeves and half a front that will never get finished, or an exercise bike you use as a glorified clothes hanger, or a a night school class you come to dread as soon as it gets dark.. you get the picture. Well, same with blogging. Its all "ooh, I must get home to blog that, cant wait to blog about this..." at first, then "Oh, I don't have time today... Nothing interesting happened today.." and you are back to feeling guilty 'cos your not blogging daily.  Guilt, now there's something I could write a book about, never mind a blog (but that will have to wait for the "urge" to hit me!!) Anyway, thank god something interesting DID happen this weekend, and I can break my bloggers block.
 It all happened like this.... Remember I was blogging about getting free stuff via the efforts of your kids. Well, the two oldest came up trumps on many fronts but junior had yet to prove his worth as "son of the Queen of Free Stuff". This past weekend he stepped up to the plate and batted his sisters out of the ball park!!!  You see, via our second born we scored the deal of the century at the Marriott Waterfront in Seattle, two blocks from Pike Place Market, Luxury hotel, 54" flat screen in the room, pool, hot tub. Two nights for $58.00!!! So good, we had to invite the neighbours and their 2 boys. How can junior beat that???  WELL.... When the neighbours kids arrived, all the kids scampered off to explore the hotel, with strict instructions to be back in 15 minutes (and NO knocking on doors and running away, with the exception of the Presidential suite - even I wanted to knock on that door!) Anyway, a bottle of wine was opened, conversation ensued and, before we knew it, an hour had passed. Hey, lets go down to the bar and continue the evening without the kids I said.We can get them an in room movie and some snacks..... Hold on!..Where ARE the kids??? Curious, they should have been back ages ago. No panic, they are with a 14 year old. We'll spot them on the way down and send them to the room with their sitter. Good plan, if only we could find them!! They weren't anywhere. We decided to ask the official looking "Men in Black" guy who had been hovering over by the elevator, speaking into his walkie talkie and looking harrassed. "Have you seen 3 young boys lately" we enquired nonchalantly? "How old?" he asked. We told him. He looked as if the penny had just dropped. He headed over to the elevator and pressed a button on the intercom. "how old are you guys in there?" he asked and looked shocked when Maxim answered in his pre-pubescent little boy voice.!!!  Seems the boys had been stuck in the elevator for one hour and were likely to be there for another while the elevator guy made his way through rush hour traffic!! Between laughing, reassuring them and teasing them that the air was about to run out, ( dont say you wouldn't have taken that opportunity yourself!) we all feigned great concern and were ushered to the bar to wait for their release. I did pop out once or twice, just to be a good mum, but, what with the free babysitter on guard outside the elevator and the free bar tab in the restaurant (they gave us $150.00 credit, as an apology for our distress) we decided to milk the situation. Well, one of the kids did need to go to the washroom - that was stressful to think of! Eventually the kids were released by a guy with a crowbar. And treated to mocktails as their part of the spoils. Plus we all received free breakfast in the restaurant next morning! YEAH!!! I think we've just hit upon a new money making scheme. Shame I couldn't persuade the kids to jump up and down in the elevator at the Music Project. Well, it worked beautifully at the Marriott! Just don't tell the Hotel Manager!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Wooooooooh!!!!! Yeah! I LOVE Halloween. I know it's silly, but there is something about the way the air smells and the way the trees look that takes me right back to my childhood. Granted, Halloween in England didn't really catch on as we know it in Canada until recently. Trick or Treat was something that belonged to movies like E.T and the Adams Family. As kids, we usually ducked our heads into a bucket of cold water for a scabby apple (duck apple night) or put on a blindfold and got lockjaw trying to catch one as it dangled from string (while our parents peed themselves laughing at our expense) Honestly, there was always someone at school the next day with a cricked neck! We didn't dress up and go house to house like the kids over here. In fact, I don't think this was a concept we ever really grasped then - a point proven by the kid who knocked on my door one Oct 31st. " Trick or Treat!!" he shouted. "What does that mean?" I asked. "Well", said the kid, looking perplexed, "you have to give us a treat or else you play a trick on us!!!" I don't think he was too impressed with the bucket of water I hurled over him, complete with half eaten apples! (O.K, only joking about that bit, but honestly, .....) I did put on some pretty impressive Halloween parties at my house though when I was a "gay divorcee"  complete with black bin bags as curtains and lots of goodies involving green jelly and gummy worms (and blood --red wine-- for the adults to drink). I remember one hysterically funny Halloween in particular where we had eight kids all crying by 9.o'clock because I turned out the lights and read them Grimms Fairy Tales in the dark - have you ever read those things? They're evil!! These guys were obviously the ancestors of Steven King!! Seriously, they make Itchy and Scratchy look like your typical household pets! And talking of evil, we put up our "Outside Halloween Display" this weekend. You know the deal... gravestones, hanging bats, cut off hand on the barbeque.... I made a cool scary monster and sat it in a chair. We now have a cute little cat which has taken up  residence on it's lap!  The cat is there every time I come home and looks totally content! Just goes to show how selfish cats are... They don't care if you look like Frankenstein's monster, as long as you can keep them warm, they use you and abuse you!! (must remember to re-stuff the monsters flattened crotch before Friday!)  Know what else I love about this season??? Crumpets are back! (Yeah, I know you can find them most days of the year if you look) But... I'm the kinda girl who likes to keep my seasons and celebrations seperate! More special, if you like, to have "permission" to eat things. Crumpets and pumpkin pies star in October and finish in November, Tangerines and candy canes are allowed from November to end of January, Cadbury's cream eggs are March and April and ice cold beer is acceptable from April to April. You get the gist! And my VERY FAVOURITE thing about this time of year is the fact that, starting Saturday morning, ALL the Halloween candy goes on sale (half price or less).YEAH !!!!
Its begging to be eaten, and I know just the person to do the job.(scabby apples my eye!!)