Aaaaah!...Back from another relaxing weekend at our "cottage" up in Whistler. Nothing to do but walk, eat, drink and soak in the hot tub.  I know, I know, it's not really our "cottage", it's the Marriott Residences, but we go there so often and it's so cheap that it's actually better than a cottage! No leaks to fix, wood to chop, rats to kill or sheets to change. And we get an all you can eat breakfast buffet thrown in (which, for cheapskates like us, translates into lunch as well!!) You might ask "How do they afford all this, it's not fair??" HA!  Well, if you all play your cards right, you can coast along on the fruits of your off-spring's labours just like us! You see, it's all to do with strategy. You have to get to them while they are young, really, really young! And you have to be prepared! From the first time they ask you ,"mummy, what shall I be when I grow up??", your job is to steer them towards careers that come with "perks". You know what that means:-  discounts, freebies, leftovers, day- olds  (don't be too proud to accept week- olds as well, they have their uses!)..... A typical conversation could go like this:-

CHILD :- "mummy, teacher says I have a unique talent for playing the flute. He called me a funny name, it sounded like "child prodigy"  ?? Maybe I could be a concert flautist when I grow up??? What do you think?

Now, unless you have a passion for dressing up in long frocks to attend world class gala events starring your first born, I suggest you waste no time using one of the following replies:-

REPLY #1.... "No, silly, prodigy means you aren't very good at the flute, teacher was too polite to tell you (followed by a rub of their head and a chuckle to lighten the moment)

REPLY # 2.... " Flautists are the lowest paid of all musicians, and the retirement age for flautists is twenty two, THEN what will you do,work at Subway?" (hey, free subs???...Naah)

if  answers like these fail to dissuade junior, don't be afraid to rub your stretch marks while reminding them that, after you suffered 6 hours of agonising labour just so they could be born, it is only fair that they consider you when they are choosing a profession.

In my own case, my  #1 "gifted" child was steered towards Starbucks as soon as her milk teeth fell out (free coffee for the duration!) and is now pursuing a career in Psychology. (must admit, not my first choice, which was exotic dancer on a cruise ship, Doh! no Carribeann cruise for us  ..Yet!)However, the way my memory is fading fast, I look forward to many happy (free) hours laying on a couch being listened to! 

Gifted child #2 was harder to break! She had her heart set on being a ranch hand out in Montana, but despite her amazing ability with a lassoo (where the Hell did she learn that??) I don't like horses. There teeth are too big and all those beans.... well, don't get me started on my dietary intolerances! Anyway, managed to get her on the cafeteria program at school and the rest is history! Granted, it does tug on my heart strings when she complains about having to work eleven hour shifts, nine days in a row and she hasn't been at a family dinner for six years but, Hey! , we all have our crosses to bear (only last week I had to work till 3.15pm because someone phoned just as I was going out of the door). And as I said to her today, just as she was leaving for work " don't worry sweetie, SOMEONE has to cook for the poor homesick hotel guests, yes, I'll keep you a plate of Thanksgiving dinner, Oh, and by the way, can you pick me up another "parents discount" form from work (for Seattle this time), there's a love!"  

Now, lets think about gifted child #3. He shows all the signs of being a fabulous policeman or a judge but what's in it for us?? A free night in the slammer, leniency when I'm caught shoplifting due to my failing memory??? I don't think so! No, he's going to be an architect. I've got my heart set on a REAL country cottage in Whistler, preferably with a lakeside location (and his birth was the most painful of all!!)